tOdaY

 i am not sure why, though today has put me back in time.  i have been singing at the top of my lungs, reminiscing through photos and shedding some happy tears.

i have been taken back by a song that reminds me of a beloved friend whom we lost over 10 years ago.  i sang in my car at the top of my lungs and cried.  knowing how much he has missed these last 10 years.  wishing so badly he was here among us.  i smiled looked up at the sky and knew that he was with me, he was watching me and loving me through that song.  i felt at that moment all was well with him.

my heart being already so vulnerable that it brought me back to jamaica and the vows i took there with my soulmate.  i looked through pictures, watched videos and sang our wedding songs.  that day...was one of the BEST days of my life!!  i am so blessed to have this man love me unconditionally and with his entire being.  i am the luckiest girl to be honored with his last name and be his wife.  we've come along way to find each other and i will always be his "love song".

do you ever find yourself in just a mood of flooding emotions??  it's not a bad thing.  for me, i think it was much needed.  i needed to be reminded that this is MY life and it truly is a good life!  the good, the bad and the ugly got me to where i am tOdaY and it is a good day.

i truly had to learn that every path i chose, every step i took, ever heartache and trial was either a lesson or a blessing.  that only an arrow can be shot forward by pulling it backwards. so when life is dragging you back with difficulties, it means that it's going to launch you into something GREAT so focus & keep aiming.

"we must be willing to let go of the life we planned 

so as to have the life that is waiting for us." 

~e. m. forester

joY, haha yeah right!

 today...

if you know me you know i LOOOOOVE my hair appointments.  today i had one at 11:30 and i had to cancel it.  i woke up shaking, uneasy feeling in my tummy and just didn't feel right.  i had no idea what was going on and why i couldn't just get ready and go!  after i texted my wonderful stylist and cancelled she stated "i wondered if coming in today would be hard".  guess she knew better than me that it would be.  through this i have asked my mom and some family members about anxiety and what it is and feels like.  well, today...i know. 

i also had an appointment today at 3:30 and it seriously took me ALL DAY to get ready for it.  i left the doctor feeling more anxious as now i have to take 3 medications, one can cause serious headaches if used too much and the other can cause another infection...REALLY!  is this my life?  i feel since i did whole 30 back in september my entire body has gone through some sort of shock.  if it wasn't a bv, it was a yeast infection, then having issues with my eyes, then and then.... now this!  all from trying to detox and get healthy?!

this is my last year of the 40's and i feel my body has taken a huge hit the last few years.  i feel i am falling apart.  i have said to my husband that too bad you can't have the lemon law for your wife cause you would be trading me in for sure!  i know getting older isn't easy.  i know it's a part of life.  i know i have may of things i am still trying to work out.  i am just wondering why now?  why couldn't it be a gradual thing.  i mean i seriously love aging.  i don't mind it at all.  i just don't remember signing up for all of this.

today i woke up wanting to write about joY.  boy how that all changed. i still haven't found my mojo with writing.  all i know is i have missed it, truly missed it.  i use to write poetry way back in the day.  i always wanted to publish a book too.  maybe someday i guess.  i have only been saying that for over 30+ years.

joY:  hmmm, today i found joY in spending the evening with my husband and really talking.  no matter what, i can always count on him for some of my joY.  

goodnight.

{hugs}

connie

sorry...

I must start by apologizing to you.

I'm sorry!

I have had hurt, angry, sadness and negative feelings toward you.

the only person it hurts is myself.

I have to remember and realize that not everyone will like me.

not everyone will want to be my friend.

not everyone will be there for me.

I am trying to learn how to be "ok" with this.

it's hard for me.

I thought I was an easy going, likeable person with love in my heart.

I just needed to apologize for my feeling toward you.

I know I don't fit into your life and that's ok.

I just needed to say I'm sorry so i can start healing and move forward.

with sincere regrets and true sorrow in my heart.

{hugs}

Connie

when did 2021 get here?

it's hard for me to believe that i haven't written in years, again.  i use to love writing.  it was my comfort, my safe place, it healed me.  i realized how much i missed it as i am slowly recovering from a big bought of depression.  yes, that again.  it creeped up ever so sneakily on saturday morning.  i knew i had been feeling a little off, though i just chalked it up to 2020, (that's a blog for another time).

**trigger alert**  

you may not want to read any further if you are not ok tOdaY!

i remember on saturday telling myself, I AM OK.  screaming at myself only to realize i was in a curled ball in a dark corner of my closet crying.  the only thoughts i can vividly hear are the ones of all the ways to end my life and the words.  words that tell me i am NOT GOOD ENOUGH, no one LOVES ME, why am i NOT THOUGHT about, why does NOONE like me, this STRESS is too much, I CAN'T go on, you will NEVER be skinny, YOU ARE A JOKE, you are a LIAR, you can't be TRUSTED, who is going to LISTEN to you, you are NOT a good MOM, it's time to GIVE UP!  so many of these thoughts and many more continued to flood my brain to where all i could do was hide in that dark space and hold myself as i rocked back and forth.  hitting my head, calming my breath, crying, listening, believing that it was okay to end my life.  what saved me on saturday...being so tired that i fell asleep for a moment. 

then there were moments... my husband checked on me, not knowing what to do or how to calm my fears.  my mother showed up and laid down in my closet beside me.  i then made it to my bed that night and SLEPT what seems like forever.  

sunday, i am still HERE, i am ALIVE!  i don't feel well, my head hurts, my body aches, my tears are still flowing, i might be hungry, i don't know, maybe i need a drink, what the s4!t just happened?!!!  day two of all this is now swirling in my head.  do i want to die, do these words really define me, oh great what are people going to think of me now, i haven't done anything for my business, i really don't want to go to work, i hurt, yep, i think i need to eat.

day three and i am sleeping a lot.  man, my body really hurts.  i am sorry to everyone who i scared.  great i AM and AWFUL PERSON, don't think that, you're ok, you've got this, NO....STOP!!!  oh the voices and noise, it's too much.  don't do anything, just breathe, find your blog, CONNIE WRITE!  what, write, oh yes, that use to bring you joy, peace, comfort.  look for your blog.  you know, the one that you would write on regularly.  the one that allowed you some peace, reflection.  damnit, i can't find it!!!  just rest, you need rest.

day 4, it's tuesday, how did this happen?  i found my blog, i'm slowly trying to reply to the text messages, calls and emails.  work is hard.  i am getting anxious, i'm tired, i am scared, breathe...let's read a little.

okay now...write.

my post from 8 years ago... {HERE}