it's hard for me to believe that i haven't written in years, again. i use to love writing. it was my comfort, my safe place, it healed me. i realized how much i missed it as i am slowly recovering from a big bought of depression. yes, that again. it creeped up ever so sneakily on saturday morning. i knew i had been feeling a little off, though i just chalked it up to 2020, (that's a blog for another time).
**trigger alert**
you may not want to read any further if you are not ok tOdaY!
i remember on saturday telling myself, I AM OK. screaming at myself only to realize i was in a curled ball in a dark corner of my closet crying. the only thoughts i can vividly hear are the ones of all the ways to end my life and the words. words that tell me i am NOT GOOD ENOUGH, no one LOVES ME, why am i NOT THOUGHT about, why does NOONE like me, this STRESS is too much, I CAN'T go on, you will NEVER be skinny, YOU ARE A JOKE, you are a LIAR, you can't be TRUSTED, who is going to LISTEN to you, you are NOT a good MOM, it's time to GIVE UP! so many of these thoughts and many more continued to flood my brain to where all i could do was hide in that dark space and hold myself as i rocked back and forth. hitting my head, calming my breath, crying, listening, believing that it was okay to end my life. what saved me on saturday...being so tired that i fell asleep for a moment.
then there were moments... my husband checked on me, not knowing what to do or how to calm my fears. my mother showed up and laid down in my closet beside me. i then made it to my bed that night and SLEPT what seems like forever.
sunday, i am still HERE, i am ALIVE! i don't feel well, my head hurts, my body aches, my tears are still flowing, i might be hungry, i don't know, maybe i need a drink, what the s4!t just happened?!!! day two of all this is now swirling in my head. do i want to die, do these words really define me, oh great what are people going to think of me now, i haven't done anything for my business, i really don't want to go to work, i hurt, yep, i think i need to eat.
day three and i am sleeping a lot. man, my body really hurts. i am sorry to everyone who i scared. great i AM and AWFUL PERSON, don't think that, you're ok, you've got this, NO....STOP!!! oh the voices and noise, it's too much. don't do anything, just breathe, find your blog, CONNIE WRITE! what, write, oh yes, that use to bring you joy, peace, comfort. look for your blog. you know, the one that you would write on regularly. the one that allowed you some peace, reflection. damnit, i can't find it!!! just rest, you need rest.
day 4, it's tuesday, how did this happen? i found my blog, i'm slowly trying to reply to the text messages, calls and emails. work is hard. i am getting anxious, i'm tired, i am scared, breathe...let's read a little.
okay now...write.
my post from 8 years ago... {HERE}
No comments:
Post a Comment