trying to understand...

i am having a really difficult time right now. we seem to always think things are bad in our lives. that our lives are so full of negativity and crap. then...you hear of someone else's life. you sit back and say to yourself... it could be worse, right? well, i feel like mY family has been hit with a ton of bricks. my aunt cindy, the one that i am always quoting here was just diagnosed with rare stomach cancer. our family is still in shock! we are asking any of you who feel the need to help us find the right doctors for her to fast and pray. we are doing a family fast saturday night until sunday at 4 pm. any and all prayers are so much appreciated. it's a true test of faith when something like this occurs. you have all sorts of emotions...denial, anger, fear, frustration and so much more. you wonder why them? why would God do this to someone so righteous. someone who has so much to give and so much more to offer. you are so full of emotions that you wish it was a dream. well, it's not and now we have to face this with positiveness and hope. hope to find the right doctors for this rare cancer. hope that she and her family will stay strong. hope that her body will do all it can to continue to hold on. i am sooo blessed to have my aunt in my life. she has taught me more than she knows. she is a true child of God and i am honored to call her my aunt. may we all remember that this life is short. that you never know what God has in store for you. that you treat each day as if it were your last. that you love always, laugh much and forgive others! i love you aunt cindy! you are my hero!!

it seems like F-O-R-E-V-E-R!!!

ok, i have so many unfinished blog entries that i though i am gonna just do this one real quick so i can hit the "publish post" button. a lot of you may know that i had surgery last month and i am still recovering. my recovery time is 4-6 weeks. just like having a baby but, no baby! with this, my life has been pretty much craZier than ever. it's tough not driving and having to ask ever one to do your normal daily things for you. my family, kids and friends have been amaZing!! if it weren't for them...i don't know where i would be with this recovery right now. anywho...i just wanted to pop in real quick to say "hello" and i hope to get back to blogging soon. thanks again to everyone who has checked on me either through calls, emails, text messages and stopping by. i am truly grateful and blessed! have a fabulous tuesday my friends.

just living is not enough...

one must have sunshine,

freedom and

a few flowers.

~ hans christian anderson

i can't promise all of you sunshine {sorry for all of you that are freezing}. freedom, we are all blessed with {thanks to our service men and women}. i can however hope you eNjoY these flowers as much as i do! *hugs*

ok, it could be worse!

tOdaY the united states is making history....hmmmm
thank you lhindah! i realize that my day could be filled with crap like this gal. oh wait...it is, lol. i am just gonna have to pull out that to-do list and start marking things off. i need to try and eliminate all the bad crap out of mY life. hope you all have a terrific tuesday. i sure am gonna try...

go potty before you sit down...

wow, is all i can seem to think all day. besides crying and shaking my head in confusion. why you may ask? let me ask you...



how is it that you finally think things are going in the right direction and then BAM you are stopped by a ton of bricks?



many of you know i have been searching for a job since october. i was laid off with re/max and then my last show for sei was in november. due to the economy i will not be working for them next year. can't tell you how sad i was and still am. i lOvEd my job as one of their instructors so much. the customers at the shows, sei and my co-show/workers including the other manufactures workers were some of the most amaZing group of people i have ever met. i think without many of them i wouldn't have made it through this year. mY heart is truly full with the memories i will cherish, just because of them. lynn always new just what to say without even saying it. the best way for him...the smile, nod and a joKe!!! val...my second mom! thank you for the hugs and the talks. brittanY...OH brittany! what can i say...you are truly a sister to me. i was only blessed with one sister and if i had to...i'd pick YOU! josh...a big brother i never had. not sure if i want one but, i got him...thanks josh! sid, linda, leanna, robert, george, sally!!! without you all, my life wouldn't be so touched. linda and sid...you gave me a chance of a lifetime. i hope i never disappointed you or your company. i stood on that pedestal lynn, did i fall?



so back to today. i finally got a call that i had been waiting on. a JOB!!! so why am i not filled with excitement? i think the LORD has other plans. one i was not counting on and surely did not want! without going into details now {maybe in due time} i had to decline the offer. as many tell me...when one door closes one door opens. it's hard for me to see this. hard for me to believe that it does get better. why is it happening to me? why now? why can't the Lord see i don't think i can take much more? what am i NOT doing that i should? why, why, why?



i have been thinking long and hard today with endless tears. what if it were mY last day? am i ready to go? is mY life settled? am i truly happy? do i need forgiveness and do i need to give it as well?



i should be counting my blessing right about now, right? i am but, it is still hard. i have empty spaces that need filled. i have friends that i have let go or who have gone. i want them back!! i truly believe i NEED them. a friend told me tOdaY that just maybe i need to start asking for help. who me? not possible, i don't do that! i couldn't do that! then the words of my lovely aunt cindy again..."connie, if you don't let people help you, you are denying them blessings. in time, it will be your turn to serve." ok, OK! i get it. i need help. i know my life is craZy and it probably always will be but sometimes you have got to let go. can i do this? i am not entirely sure. do i want to? kinda scared. do i have to? ABSOLUTELY!!! if some of you out there get a phone call from me...i hope you pick up. i need all the help i can get.



so this blog leaves you more confused and baffled. guess what...me too!! remember i requested you to "log on and enjoy the journey...the rest is still unwritten?" well, i hope you continue this journey with me as i am still CREATING myself. have an amaZing night and thanks for reading. *hugs*

{haPpY 14th daLLiN}

it's hard to believe that my baby boy is 14 tOdaY! where has the time gone? i am just glad that the kids get older and we don't, lol. i remember like it was yesterday when i took this little 4lbs. 15oz. little one home to meet his brothers. i was living the life with galen and "mY 3 soNs". dallin brought and has continued to bring laughter to our family. he was the cutie with a smile! he followed suit in his brother, trevor's foot steps with all the little jokes. he has become our sports all-star! give him any sport and he will try it. he keeps me pretty busy going to try-outs, practices and games. a mom's taxi he keeps me on the run...though i wouldn't change a thing! his character and passion for life is one to truly admire. dallin, i hope you continue to grown into a wonderful young man that you already are. i love you "d". <3 always, mom

happy belated new years!

i know, i know....you've missed me, jk!!! anywho...i hope you have all had a fabulous start to the new year! 2009 has already shown me ups and downs and it's only the 13th of january. my computer is not working as well so i do not have access to the internet. i am blogging at my dad's office and checking emails. just wanted to let you all know i am still ALIVE...i think, lol. have a terrific tuesday and i will try and catch up later. *hugs*

refresh...

i finally

figured out that

the main reason

to be alive

is to eNjoY it!

~rita mae brown

i soooo need to remember this. life is a journey and i need to eNjoY it a little better.

two more daYs!

as christmas is only two days away i have been thinking lately about what it truly means. for kids we know they are all excited about the gifts. what is it for us adults? is it shopping for the presents, baking with the kids/grandkids, wrapping presents, addressing christmas cards or spending time with family and friends. as i thought of all these things i realized that this christmas is probably gonna be a bit different for everyone this year. there have been a lot of changes in the world this year, a lot of changes in our lives. as i have taken the time out to explain to my children that christmas will be different i also tell them it will be more memorable. the time with them is more precious to me than gold. time where we can be together eNjoYing each other and making new memories. you may not be able to give them the world but, the world is theirs for the taking. does christmas need to be one time a year? think about it...why is it that we can't share this time always. that we can't be in this cheerful mood, share our bake goods with our friends and neighbors or show love to mankind. i hope this year you take the extra time to tell those you love them, that you appreciate them and that without them, your life just wouldn't be the same. a birth of a child brought us this special holiday to eNjoY. keep that love in your heart, keep the spirit in your soul and the smile always on your face. remember there is always someone out there who has it worse than you. haPpY hoLidaYs to you and yours. may 2009 bring a year full of new and exciting memories! much love always, connie

breathe...

Drink your tea slowly and reverently,

as if it is the axis on which the earth revolves -

slowly, evenly, without rushing toward the future.

Live the actual moment.

Only this moment is life.

~ Thick Nhat Hanh

{one daY}

this weekend has been an eye opener for me. so many things, so many emotions, so many friends and some that have been gone for too long. i miss those friends and really wish they were here. i was introduced to lady antebellum's cd by a new friend of mine rachel. i knew a few of their songs but this cd is amaZing! i think every song i listen to i related with. i was moved to tears, laughter, dancing & singing. this song i have on my playlist is where i am...one daY i know i won't feel like i am always going backwards. that there is sun shining!!! that there is true peace out there for me. i know no one can change how my moods are but me. i know many of you have tried really hard this weekend. i can not tell you enough how thankful i am to have you in my life now. to remind me of my blessings, that there is always someone out there worse off than me, that it will get better, that i DO deserve happiness. it is just a really bad time for me. it's been a tough road...christmas doesn't make it any easier. a lot of memories with christmas aren't the same this year. i know i need to be a happy girl/mom for my kids but, it's hard. i struggle daily, YES DAILY to have strength. to wake up each morning and start a new day. i am tired of no jobs, tired of no money, tired of what could of been and wondering what could be. i know that everything that breaks me only makes me stronger but, i wanna be weak. i want life to stop for just a moment so i can catch my breath and regroup. today was a great day to do this. i spent the day with my kids watching movies, football and napping here and there. i realized again that it's the small things that truly count. the moments that aren't planned, unscripted in life. the little things that make you smile. the looks that make you laugh, and the hugs and i love you that make you cry. pondering that i don't have many more years until all my kiddos are gone. that they will no longer need me. that they will start their new life...am i ready? NO!!! i totally enjoyed those baby years. i can't get them back but, i try and remember them often. it's tough...not being with my kids all the time. so when i am with them...they are all that matter. i love to feel wanted and needed by them. i love that they can come to me and know that i am here for them. i am blessed...ok i know that {one daY} it will get better. i guess today just isn't the day.