as many of you know i was able to attend a wonderful retreat in idaho last october. the brave girl camp was a life opener for me. you can check out all the info {here} about this life changing event put on by melody ross and her sister kathy wilkins. it was an addition to my new mE. the mE i have been trying to find for a long while. almost 2 1/2 years ago i started this blog in a way of a challenge from rhonna farrer after volunteering at creative escape in 2007. i did not know where my life was going, where i needed to be or who i was. i thought i did, as most of us do. now almost three years later i can start the process of really finding mE.
these last few years have been a life trial. i had to learn how to be strong, use my voice and love myself all at the same time. i had to learn to stand on my own, be a single mom and love myself. i had to struggle, cry myself to sleep, look in the mirror and love myself. i went to counseling, read books, loved my children more deeply and started loving myself. i think now is the time to share some of my story of the last few years. you may want to go potty, grab your favorite drink and some tissues.
i was one of those girls who were lucky enough to graduate from high school and a few days later {8 to be exact}get married to my high school sweetheart. i set all my dreams aside to begin my life as a wife and a mother-to-be. you always think you know what road you are going to take but sometimes, God has other plans. i began my life as a new wife wondering how great it was going to be and how excited i was to be a mom. these two things were the start of my journey to life, finding myself and my new hopes and dreams. i can say now that being a young mom is oh so challenging and rewarding at the same time. i was blessed to stay home with my four children until 2004. through out those years i found many ups and downs. i had lots of trials and tribulations, many that won't be shared on this public forum. i realized now i wasn't "perfect", i wasn't always right, that there is two sides to every story and that communication is truly the most important thing in life!
choices i made in my life during those years{some good and some really not so good} made me see direction. made me choose what i wanted and where i wanted to be. it made me try harder to be a good mom and better person. it was hard, love and support wasn't always there. the pain i had, the pain i cause, the choices i made were mine and mine alone. no one else's! i didn't want anyone to take it away, i didn't want to feel it but i surely didn't want to be the cause of it. the choices you make, which ever road you choose puts a dot on your map of life.
after many of happy years came many sad ones. i realized i wasn't living MY life. i was living a life for someone else. even though i thought that is was what i wanted and needed to make me happy, it wasn't! i realized that if i wasn't happy, my family wasn't happy. i found depression to be my "best friend" many of years. i realized how this disease can affect everyone in your life, everything in your life. i came to realize that i couldn't do it alone. that this disease was something bigger than me at the moment. through guidance and at times medication, i have begun to overcome my depression and finally put my "best friend" in a different place in my life.
i must say these last few years i have watched myself grow. i read a really good book "a weekend to change your life" by joan anderson and found a new canvas. i sense then have picked up the book again today. i decided i was going to read it again. i understand that sometimes you have to have trials in your life to find your strength. that is what these last few years have been...loads of trials. a choice i made to find mE! as "it's a weakness to just sit and wait for life to come to you" ~joan erikson i have to put on my big girl pants and start being a big girl ALL BY MYSELF. i had to risk a lot to find pure happiness and comforting "peace" to find the true mE!
"only those who risk going too far can possibly find out how far they can go." ~t. s. eliot
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