go potty before you sit down...

wow, is all i can seem to think all day. besides crying and shaking my head in confusion. why you may ask? let me ask you...



how is it that you finally think things are going in the right direction and then BAM you are stopped by a ton of bricks?



many of you know i have been searching for a job since october. i was laid off with re/max and then my last show for sei was in november. due to the economy i will not be working for them next year. can't tell you how sad i was and still am. i lOvEd my job as one of their instructors so much. the customers at the shows, sei and my co-show/workers including the other manufactures workers were some of the most amaZing group of people i have ever met. i think without many of them i wouldn't have made it through this year. mY heart is truly full with the memories i will cherish, just because of them. lynn always new just what to say without even saying it. the best way for him...the smile, nod and a joKe!!! val...my second mom! thank you for the hugs and the talks. brittanY...OH brittany! what can i say...you are truly a sister to me. i was only blessed with one sister and if i had to...i'd pick YOU! josh...a big brother i never had. not sure if i want one but, i got him...thanks josh! sid, linda, leanna, robert, george, sally!!! without you all, my life wouldn't be so touched. linda and sid...you gave me a chance of a lifetime. i hope i never disappointed you or your company. i stood on that pedestal lynn, did i fall?



so back to today. i finally got a call that i had been waiting on. a JOB!!! so why am i not filled with excitement? i think the LORD has other plans. one i was not counting on and surely did not want! without going into details now {maybe in due time} i had to decline the offer. as many tell me...when one door closes one door opens. it's hard for me to see this. hard for me to believe that it does get better. why is it happening to me? why now? why can't the Lord see i don't think i can take much more? what am i NOT doing that i should? why, why, why?



i have been thinking long and hard today with endless tears. what if it were mY last day? am i ready to go? is mY life settled? am i truly happy? do i need forgiveness and do i need to give it as well?



i should be counting my blessing right about now, right? i am but, it is still hard. i have empty spaces that need filled. i have friends that i have let go or who have gone. i want them back!! i truly believe i NEED them. a friend told me tOdaY that just maybe i need to start asking for help. who me? not possible, i don't do that! i couldn't do that! then the words of my lovely aunt cindy again..."connie, if you don't let people help you, you are denying them blessings. in time, it will be your turn to serve." ok, OK! i get it. i need help. i know my life is craZy and it probably always will be but sometimes you have got to let go. can i do this? i am not entirely sure. do i want to? kinda scared. do i have to? ABSOLUTELY!!! if some of you out there get a phone call from me...i hope you pick up. i need all the help i can get.



so this blog leaves you more confused and baffled. guess what...me too!! remember i requested you to "log on and enjoy the journey...the rest is still unwritten?" well, i hope you continue this journey with me as i am still CREATING myself. have an amaZing night and thanks for reading. *hugs*