today...

today... has been an overall good day.

today i worked 9-5.
today there was tons of work.
today i went to lunch with my mom and our friend naoma for her birthday lunch.
today i went grocery shopping.
today i bought a friend some roses.
today i cooked a fast and yummy dinner for my husband and i.
today i ordered some amaZing scents from scentsy. {here}
today i read many inspirational blogs.
today i became a "follwer" on some great blogs.
today i listened to some great music.
today i was truly inspired by {kelly lish's} newest piece of art, "she knew".
today kelly and i had an awesome text chat!
today i watched the voice and had total goose-pimples.
today i had a wonderful text conversation with miss adeline.
today my oldest son's paperwork was approved.
today i am tired, yet feel alive.
today i am blessed.
today i felt very inspired.
today i told my husband i loved him many of times.
today i am grateful.
today i received a text from my third son who said he missed me.
today i caramelized an apple and poured it over some
french vanilla ice cream.
today i thanked my husband for doing some "honey-dos".
today i felt good about being mE.

how was your today my friends?

machines that save...



{mammogram machine}

the dreaded mammogram machine i was so lucky to have an appointment with on wednesday.  not only did i visit this machine i saw the ultrasound machine as well.  i hope to hear from the doctor sometime next week to find out what my results were. 



{ultrasound machine}





i am not sure what i was more afraid of...the machines or the many of doctors, techs and interns who examined my "ta-tas".  it didn't hurt as bad as i thought but i shall say it was very uncomfortable.  then when i was having an ultra sound they were pressing really hard and oh the pain was not good. 

i may not have enjoyed this visit to the hospital with these lovely machines but it was worth every penny of it.  if it can save me from pain and knowing all is well, it is worth it!  i am thankful for today's doctors and technology that allows us the chance to detect any medical problems before it gets to advanced.  i am also very happy to discover websites that allow us to donate to the cause.  this is one of my all time favorites sites {save the ta-tas}.

so until i hear from the doctor i am still crossing my fingers and praying that my ta-tas are ok.

just a friendly reminder:

please do your monthly self exam girls {and guys}.  save your ta-tas!

every morning,

ask yourself not "what do i need to DO today?"

but "how do i need to BE today?" 

focus on how you can be YOUR authentic,

best self.

~shannon mcfayden

simple things...

yesterday i went to the oh so famous yearly doctor. can i just tell you...their scale is soooo wrong. then again, maybe not. it was the same as last year, so maybe it was just right. then last night i played co.ed softball. again.i didn't realize how truly out of shape i was until i had to run from 1st base to 3rd. let's just say it was tough to let go of the caboose. i am telling you this because with a doctor's appointment and a co.ed game i realized a couple of things.
1. i need to work out!
2. i'm glad i went to them both.

my doctors appointment is the usual yearly. this time it was a little different. my doctor is retiring and i have a little sadness. i mean, when you find someone you feel, should i say "comfortable" with ,you want them to be that doctor forever. he has done two remarkable surgeries for me. for that i am truly grateful. i realized that i will be 4-0 in 10 months and i am getting a mammogram now. kinda worried but then i guess i have always been the kind of person who wants to "know" if something is wrong instead of not knowing. after that we may have to do an ultra sound. so, i am keeping my fingers crossed and saying a few prayers that all is well with my girls.

at our co.ed game i was the 3rd oldest on the team. playing with a bunch of young-ens. even the other team we played was filled with all high schoolers. i kinda have to laugh at the thought that i AM getting older. i have always felt young, but in comparison to actual "youngsters" i am NOT as young as i thought. what i gain from playing is...

i am playing with my dad.
i am playing with my husband.
i am playing with my two boys.
i am playing to socialize.
i am playing for time.
i am playing for my health.
i am playing because i can.

i know i am not the best person on the team but to play with my two boys in a chance of a life time. PRICELESS!! i said all through practice to them...are you sure i won't embarrass you? are you sure you want to play with me? i think at times they just said yes so they wouldn't hurt my feeling. even though a couple of times they both did. what i have to keep reminding myself is...live in THIS moment.

so i didn't get a home run.
so i didn't catch that ball.
so i didn't get to first base.
so i didn't take the walk.
so i didn't strike out.
so i didn't change pitchers.
so we didn't win.

i DID live in the moment!!

i did see the smiles on my boys' faces as they watched their girlfriends play.
i did see the kidding everyone was enjoying.
i did see my dad get hurt.
i did see our team struggle to regain our composure.
i did see excitement with our first home run of the season.
i did see some amaZing catches.
i did see all the fun everyone had.
i did see 3 generations all together.

i realize that i am NOT always living in the moment. that i am NOT always taking the time to see life as it is in front of me. sometimes i seem to be too busy to see what is really important. that it's time i really take care of my body. that it's time to stop living in the past and truly live in the present, the NOW. i know i am not perfect in many ways. at least i am doing my best, giving my best and learning along the way. may you stop and see what you may be missing in your life. that moment that you may never get back. i will keep trying to move forward. one foot in front of the other. somtimes just breathing. i don't want miss anyting. not even this very moment.

"eNjoY the little things,

for one day you may look back

and realize they were the big things"

~robert brault

thank you for taking the time to read my blog. thank you for leaving me wonderful comments.
maybe i can help to remind you that this life...
is worth YOU living in it!!

{{hugs}}

today is four weeks.
28 days.
27 nights.
4 weekends.
4 mondays.
672 hours.

some of you may have noticed that I am no longer on facebook. many of you are just now finding out.

addiction: [uh-dik-shuh n]
–noun
the state of being enslaved to a habit or practice or to something that is psychologically or physically habit-forming, as narcotics, to such an extent that its cessation causes severe trauma.


i can honestly say i have been addicted to soap operas and soda. then again, I did break those habits.
what i didn't realize was how ADDICTED i was to facebook.
it truly consumed many hours of my day.
many hours of my life.
i WAS a facebook addict.

i signed up for facebook mainly for my family that is all over the united states and in a war zone. then my children signed up and i wanted to keep an eye on them. it also made me feel "in touch" with all of my "friends".

what i slowly saw was that the addiction was slowly killing me.  i know that may sound harsh but that is how i feel.  i felt as what i was reading was "life".  that the only way i could possibly feel like i was a friend to my many "friends" was to constantly post on their page or on their status.  to make sure i stopped in just to say "hi".  to make sure i was "up" with all of the happening.  i. knew. EVERYTHING.

so i thought.

i soon came to realize how facebook was killing me.
how i longed morning, afternoon and night for it.
how if i didn't "check" up on everyone i would be failing as a friend.
if i didn't let all of you in that you wouldn't care for me.
if i wasn't seeing what you were doing, where you were going and when you would be back i was useless.

then the depression kicked in.
the guilt.
the loneliness.
the sadness.
the anger.
the days and nights of tears.

WHAT ON EARTH WAS I DOING???

WHY DO I NEED FACEBOOK TO TELL ME I AM OK?

WAS I ONLY LIVING BECAUSE OF FACEBOOK?

WERE MY ONLY FRIENDS THE ONES ON FACEBOOK?

DID I LOOSE FRIENDS BECAUSE OF FACEBOOK?

DID I GET HURT OR HURT OTHERS BECAUSE OF FACEBOOK?

DID MY FAMILY HURT OTHERS OR GET HURT BECAUSE OF FACEBOOK?

i started to really think of these questions.  i FINALLY started to see my life as i knew it.  i kinda started to "feel".  i was tired of constantly crying.

i realized that ALL those hundreds of friends on facebook were really NOT my friends.  that this social networking was NOT what i wanted or needed in my life.  that i WASN'T strong enough to not allow what was being posted to affect my life.

hi, i am connie jo capron and i am addicted to facebook.
on may 16, 2011 i deleted my account.

why am i sharing this you may ask?  many of reasons i guess.
to allow myself to cry.
to allow myself to hurt.
to allow myself to understand.
to allow myself to know i was not alone.
to allow myself some peace in my life.
to allow myself to find my "true" friends.
to allow myself time to figure out what is most important in life.
to allow myself to breathe.

i struggle with "true" friendships. 
i struggle with validation of my time, talent and myself. 
i struggle to be liked. 
i struggle to "fit" in. 
i struggle with asking.
i struggle with feeling loved and wanted.
i struggle with life.

these last 28 days have been very hard for me.  i have been learning.  i have been slowly taking time to listen but i know i am not there yet.  i am not sure when or if i will return to the facebook world.  i think for me, my family and my life...it is too hurtful. 

i am working on becoming the me that i need to be. 
that me i want to be. 
the one me...
connie jo capron.

miss invisible

There's a girl

That sits under the bleachers

Just another day eating alone

And though she smiles there is something she's hiding

And she cant find a way to relate

But just goes unnoticed

As the crowd passes by

And she'll pretend to be busy, when inside she just wants to cry

and she'll say...

Take a little look at the life of Miss Always Invisible

Look a little closer, I really really want you to put yourself in her shoes

Take another look at the face of  Miss Always Invisible

Look a little closer and maybe then you will see why she waits for the day

When you'll ask her her name

The beginning, in the first weeks of class

She did everything to try and fit in

But the others they couldn't seem to get past all the things that mismatched on the surface

And she will close her eyes when they left her she fell down the stairs

And the more that they joked

And the more that they screamed

She retreated to what she is now

And she'll sing...

Take a little look at the life of Miss Always Invisible

Look a little harder I really really want you to put yourself in her shoes

Take another look at the face of Miss Always Invisible

Look a little closer and  maybe then you will see why she waits for the day when you´ll ask her her name 

Then one day just the same as the last

Just a day spent counting the time

Came a boy that sat under the bleachers just a little bit further behind...

~ marie digby

"for it is surely a lifetime work, this learning to be a women."
 ~ may sarton

wallow fire

{in my back yard}

i took this picture sunday morning from my back yard.  the reddish cloud is the smoke from the wallow fire.  the fire is a little over an hours drive from my home. 

{wednesday early evening from my mom's}

all the grey you see above the landscape is smoke from the fire. 

it is so scary!

my heart is very heavy!  these pictures remind me of the rodeo chediski fire back in 2002.  seeing all the ash fall and having so much loss is too close to home for me.  many of my friends have been evacuated.  some may not have a home to return to.  this fire is just a small reminder of the importance of life.  the importance of making, keeping and sharing your life and memories with those that mean the most to you.  that "things" don't mean anything without family. 

to all of my blogging friend out there in cyber space whether you are religious, spiritual or not please take a moment to say a little prayer.

pray for all the firefighters.

pray for the the many people supporting and helping out in this terrible fire.

pray for all of those who are evacuated.

pray for their homes.

pray for all of the animals.

pray for these small communities.

pray for RAIN!

i am safe.

i am grateful for my home.

i am grateful for my family.

i am grateful for my life.

i am safe.

here are the statistics of this tragic fire near where i call home.

as of this morning the Wallow Fire has burned 408,887 acres.

640 sq miles

5% contained

take time today to be grateful for what you have. 

what you love.

who you care for. 

have a wonderful weekend my friends.

{hugs}

connie

THANKS

today someone died.

it might of been a close friend or someone unknown.

you take friends for fun and games

not knowing that one day that friend will be gone.

then you realize how dear it was, the closeness,

the tears, the laughter, and those warm hugs of comfort.

today i want to tell you thank you for everything.

i know how dear your friendship was, i feel the closeness now,

i have those tears and i can still hear the laughter.

i'm sorry i can't feel your comfort anymore.

i'm sorry i waited to tell you thanks.

today i am remembering a loved one that i lost.  please don't wait to tell those you love, those that touch your very soul how much they mean to you.  as i wrote the words above many, many years ago they ring so deep today.  i am very grateful for those that are in my life today. 

i have had to make some very tough decisions lately and i know in the end my life will be better because of mY choices.  it's not easy to do a life cleanse but i have always been told it is worth it.  i have struggled the last few years, ok most of my life with having girlfriends.  "true" girlfriends who accept me for who i am with all my flaws, with all my true self.  i have learned that the "true" friends will always have your back in good and the bad times.  that they will be there no matter what.  i have learned myself that i want to give this as much as i receive it.  that there does come a time in your life where doing a cleanse is much needed.  it's hard, it's scary, and very painful.  i realise that if i am the only one constantly giving then maybe it's time to reevaluate and cleanse.  it truly saddens me.  it truly makes me wonder if there is something wrong with me.  why i am not "good enough" to be their friend or in their circle.  friendship is a constant struggle.  we are all changing, loving, struggling and suffering together in this life.  sometimes...you just have to let go and move on so you both can continue to grow.

today as i remember my dear friend who past, i am also remember the lost of those friendships.  i am reflecting on my 39 years on this earth.  i am thinking of the friends i do have.  the many sisters of women who have touched and blessed my life throughout these years.  i am grateful for all of the relationships i have had with each and everyone of you.  though you are gone you will never be forgotten.  you have helped me become who i am and i thank you. 

may i continue to search for "true" friends who will be with me through the thick and the thin.  who will love me unconditionally.  who in return will receive a "true" friend in me always!

rejoice

celebrate the

happiness that friends

are always giving.

make every day a

holiday and celebrate

just living!

~amanda bradley

thank you for being my friend and touching my life.  

{{hugs}}

connie